Ghosts of Christmas Past
5:27 pm January 31, 2013
At first glance, nothing has changed. I still buy flowers, except now, not for anyone. For my own enjoyment perhaps. I still make coffee every morning and drink tea every afternoon and night. I still go to the movies, but this time alone and without a hand to hold. I walk up and down the aisles of Target and the grocery store, cooking nearly every night, still - for one now. Candles still burn and there are stacks of unread books everywhere. On the rare occasion I turn the TV on, it’s still the same shows I’m watching: Modern Family, Grey’s Anatomy, reruns - we've seen them all. I go for walks in the park and waste my time on stupid mini adventures around town and up and down the coast. I still toss and turn and struggle on my way to sleep in the same bed, under the same sheets.
While everything is still the same, everything has completely changed. All at once the person you once were and the life you once led, are gone. You sit there and click and twirl your pen searching for the words to describe it. But that’s it. Just gone. The word is gone. You find yourself staring out your window at a Brooklyn street, caught up in your new routines and surrounded by new people, and in this moment you’re okay. And with everything that’s happened, okay is exactly what you need right now.
"Only know you've been high when you're feeling low. Only hate the road when you're missing home."